Father’s Day When You Have a Prodigal

A prodigal son does not always look like a prodigal to everybody who is on the outside of the relationship looking in.  In Luke 15:11-24, we read about a son who is prodigal because he abandons the relationship with his father.  He goes on to live riotously instead of righteously, compounding the problem.  The real problem was the suspension of the relationship.  Sometimes that is all that a prodigal has to do to be a prodigal (abandon the relationship).

When I was a mere 26 years old, I took on a big responsibility. The woman I had fallen in love with (and with whom I am still madly in love) had two sons.  When I met them, they were 7 and 5.  Being that I had previously had a long relationship with a woman with children, I was very careful not to leave myself open to being hurt again by losing three relationships instead of one if things did not go well.  Things went well, and we became a family. My main goal in raising these two boys was to never make them feel as though they were “less than” anybody else in my family.  My parents and brothers all accepted the boys as if they were my children.  In our wedding ceremony, my wife and I included vows that I made to the boys that they would be full fledged members of our family.  As we welcomed three more children to our family, we never treated the boys as “less” my children than the three my wife and I had together.  When our oldest son was 8, he wanted to know what to call me.  We all talked about it, and I decided to let them decide.  They wanted to call me Dad.  Being that I never wanted them to feel “less than”, I could not deny their request.  At another point, the older son wanted to change his last name to my last name.  His father was still very close to them, and my wife and I knew that it would not be something that would be fair to him, but we also did not want to make our son feel as though he was “less than” a member of my family.  We came up with an idea:  Make him ask his Dad if it was ok with him.  Either he would not ask, and the idea would die, or he would ask and his Dad would say no because he loved him and wanted him to keep his name, which would lead to our son’s being accepted by his Dad, not rejected by me.  It worked out, and he still has his original last name and close relationship with his father.  There were career opportunities offered from the beginning that would have made our life so much easier (as maintaining work here on the Cape in my earlier time here was very difficult) that I had to turn down because we did not want to move the boys away from their father. We wanted to help them to maintain that relationship.  Sacrifice is part of being a Dad, especially when you sacrifice for somebody who you do not want to ever feel as though they are “less than” anybody else.

The father/son relationship that I had with the boys was very similar to the relationship we have with God. It is a relationship of choice.  With God, He chooses us, and then we choose Him.  We choose to maintain our relationship with Him because He never leaves us or forsakes us.  His love for us is unconditional, even when we choose to move away from Him.  He never makes us feel “less than” people who have followed Him their whole life. 

Often, a prodigal does not look like  prodigal because they are still doing all the right things, they just walk away from the relationship. My oldest son has made this choice with me.  Now I have been reduced to “less than” a father, even though I had raised him as my own.  The unfortunate thing with this type of prodigal is that there is not a sense of urgency for people who can help to help because it is not like he has fallen into drugs, or drunkenness, or any visibly dangerous thing.  He has fallen into the dangerous poison of resentment, un-forgiveness, and ungratefulness.  He has abandoned not only his relationship with the father who chose him, but also with my family who never made him feel as though he is “less than”, my children (who are his sisters), and worst of all, his mother, who is my wife.  It has caused incredible pain and strife in our home.  It has caused every holiday, every wedding, every graduation, every school play or soccer game, every single family event, to become one where there is a twinge of sadness because one of us has chosen to be missing. When my phone rings today, there will be a sad realization every time that it is not him calling to say “Happy Father’s Day”.

There is another complication:  a church is involved.  We moved away from a church where I was in ministry. The leadership in that church has been a complicating factor in this issue.  Through some action and a lot of inaction, they have failed to help bring about reconciliation.  It has caused people with whom we are still close a great deal of discomfort.  When I discussed the situation with the pastor, who was once a friend, he somehow confused my request for intervention and intercession for me trying to get this son removed from ministry in the church. He somehow thought it was a plea for revenge rather than a plea for reconciliation.  Once again, the desire to include bites me in the ankle.  That is all for another article that I need to write as well 

If you are a parent of a prodigal, the Bible has some pointers for you.  First of all, pray that your prodigal repents.  Only with God is this possible.  Prodigals tend to hang on to their prodigal ways because they become stuck in their resentment or feelings of entitlement. The gracious father in Luke 15 always left that gate open for repentance and return (as God does with us!).

Being a prodigal is an incredible waste.  In Luke 15, the prodigal wastes his wealth.  In cases like ours, the prodigal is wasting relationships, people, and moments that one does not get back.  Those of us who have lost loved ones know that you should not waste one moment of a family’s love.

We see that although there was a lot of loss of wealth and relationship, the father still welcomes the son home.  If you have a prodigal, always leave that gate open.

I love my children; all 5 of them.  The four who have maintained the relationship with me have always challenged me because they don’t behave the way that I want them to, think the way that I want them to, act the way that I want them to, or do everything that I want them to do.  The one who gave me the hardest time as a child (the second son) is actually very close to me now.  He has a wife who is a bright spot in our lives.  They have recently welcomed a son whom we love. Seeing our son with his son warms our hearts.  As much as we love seeing him with his son, we are sad that we are excluded from seeing our older son with his son.  My daughters are beautiful, smart, and talented.  They are also killing me slowly. I hear that will get better someday.  For now, I will simply love them in spite of how they are.  That’s what father’s do.   That is what my Heavenly Father has graciously done with me. 

 It is my hope that someday soon, I will be able to write an article here about the joy of reconciliation.  For now, even on Father’s Day, when I have four children who do recognize me and love me, and a wonderful father to spend today with, and a Heavenly Father who loves me, I join my family and we stare at the gate longingly, waiting for the prodigal to return.

This entry was posted on Sunday, June 20, 2010 at 15:42 and is filed under Family. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response or trackback from your own site.